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User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 2: Four Bears, a Smurf, and a Killer.
In this edition I'm going to look at three short stories. Berenstain Bears Lost Book, Victor Smurf and Nick. These stories are some of my "favorite" (I say ironically) Crappypastas. Because they are so short, they cannot be their own "episode" so I decided to do all three at once. After this edition I'm going to start posting these on Fridays to go with the weekend theme. Anywho, let's start with the first story, Berenstain Bears Lost Book which is little else than a poorly written remake of Dead Bart, but with the Berenstain Bears instead of the Simpsons. Pour a drink and take a shot every time this following story rips off Dead Bart As you may know that popular book/show The Berenstain Bears. As we may know what about them? Are you saying we might know them? This sounds like a rip-off of the opening line of Ed, Edd 'n Eddy Lost Episode Stan Berenstain had a darker plot planned for book 24. The book was called: "Grandpa's House." In actuality the 24th book in the series was "The Berenstain Bears and the Missing Dinosaur Bone" One time I was looking at Berenstain Bears books and, I clicked shopping on Google and an unknown book of The Berenstain Bears appeared, and I ordered it, and I read it 2 days later. "I read it 2 days later", is that how long it took to be delivered to your house, or is that how long it took for you to get off the toilet and read the damn thing? Something was weird about this book; Papa Bear was angry, Mama Bear had no emotion, Sister Bear was sad, and Brother Bear was worried. The Berenstain family was going to their grandpa's house and Brother Bear said, "Mama, I don’t want to go," and for some reason, Sister Bear was crying because her brother didn't want to go, And Papa Bear was angry at Brother, As the car was driving. "As the car was driving." What? It would have made more sense if we were told right away that they were in the car driving to set the scene, and so we can accurately imagine what is going on, instead of telling us in a poorly placed grammatic trainwreck. It started showing weird drawings of people dressed up like them. I repeat: not bears, humans. This is not a drill people! This is the real deal! Code red! Code red! Humans dressed as bears! The irony in all this is that the Berenstain Bears are bears who dress as people. They had black voids where thier eyes should have been and while nobody was at the house as it showed the house, there were no doors or windows. Black voids instead of eyes. Soooo creepy! Also, no doors or windows? Who was the lazy fuck who illustrated this? It showed Papa getting out of the car and pulling out his saw and cutting a tree. It fell on the car and Brother, Sister, and Mama Ran out of the car as it was on fire. They ran from the car and it showed Brother with mismatched human eyes, Mother bear had a human mouth that appeared to have been cut and pasted from a photograph, and Sister had a photo-realistic body. Papa Bear had no face at the time Did the author forget that this was a book? The way they are talking it is apparent that they did. Also "had no face at the time". No, we're stupid, we need to be told that at the time he didn't have a face but it would return later! Then I stopped reading it and showed it to a friend and he was very surprised that The Berenstain Bears were darker than usual, Darker than usual? It was never dark to begin with! Sure they dealt with sensitive issues such as racism and death, but never anything dark. I took pictures from the book and loaded them on my computer, but then something went wrong. My computer went nuts! I clicked C-Cleaner to clean it out and I rebooted the computer, and everything in my folder was erased, but other files on the computer and folders were lucky. It gave me a computer virus. You know, like Dead Bart? Also "the other files on the computer and folers were lucky." makes me grateful for the author's sake that speaking basic english isn't a necessity for survival. I wrote a letter to Stan Berenstain about the book. He replied that book was made by a producer at my company but he fired him. Stan Berenstain died in 2005, which would have been at least 6 years before this shitfest was written. "made by a producer at my company" first off, the books were written and illustrated by the Berenstains. Second, there is no "production company", the books are realeased by a publisher. Also, "producer"? Producer of what? This is a book not an episode of the series. And how did it get published to begin with? Does the author not realise that it would have fallen into the hands of an illustrator before it would be published? I sold the book and added a warning sign on the book! Then someone bought it and as I knew the person. They ripped it up after she told me it appeared in her closet, her attack, her dresser, under her bed, and in her food cabinet. She asked her siblings if they did it. They did not know anything about the book, so she asked her mom and dad and they didn't do it, so the book was cursed and she ripped up the book and put it in the blender, and threw it in the fire and it was never seen again! Oooooh, the haunted-thing-won't-be-destroyed trope, scary. Also, all that seems pretty excessive don't you think? The book was made: February 1, 1989 At the time, Stan had an idea for a book about life and realistic things while in the book he drew a realistic painting of Brother Bear. Just like the part in Dead Bart where it mentions that Matt Groening wanted the Simpsons to be realistic by including themes like death. Also, the aforementioned "The Berenstain Bears and the Missing Dinosaur Bone" was published in 1980, 9 years before this book was supposedly written. There were books written between 1980 and 1989 which puts a damper on the whole book 24 idea. When page 14 started Grandpa Bear was sitting on his table staring at the person reading the book, then on page 15, it said, "Two minutes later, As Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Sister Bear were at Bear Country’s graveyard, and then Sister, Mama, and Papa were breaking the car when Sister finds Brother's body covered in maggots. She starts vomiting and crying, but Papa stares at Mama bear, then they all look at Brother's body and starts vomiting on each other but then stop and stare at Brother's body Brother Bear died, you know, like Bart? Also, am I missing something here? When did he die? Page 23 opened with Papa saying something but I couldn't understand it cause all it said was "Papa bear was saying:" "UDHNDSIRLUHLDKJFHVNDJSKRIEWLDJGKDK" when I said it to repeat it sounded like I was babbling. Just like the part in Dead Bart where Homer makes a joke that isn't audible. Everyone starts leaving as the book came to a close on Page 34. No copyright logo on the back of the book or anything, but there was Indian hand writing, but I couldn't understand what it said. I think it said, "The Berenstain Bears is copyright 1851," but that's not the year The Berenstain Bears was made. That went nowhere. Also, I'm not even going to waste my time mentioning the whole copyright problem. also on my book it had death tombstones, but some cast haven't died yet. Some people who died in the book were very well known as Tom Kenny, John Kricfalusi, Cory Doran, Tabithia St. Germain, Tim Allen, and Jim Cummings. Cast? This is a book not a show! Also, Dead Bart rip-off. Next! You can pretend that the deaths are not really in the book, but you can think about when you read this book. How in the hell can I pretend something is not in a book that doesn't even exist? Also WHY would I pretend they aren't in there? And why would I think about it if I'm pretending it's not in there? The weird thing was that the ones who did die all were in February, some were in March, but most were in February. Yeah, you have fun with that! On to the next story: Victor Smurf. And unfortunately, no this is not a story about the Smurfs, it is a story about a fat little boy. once a pona time As oppposed to "Once upon a time". there was a kid named Victor smurf! He loved eating donuts, cream filling sponge cakes I don't know where you live, author but here in the United States we call "cream filling sponge cakes" twinkies. But one day his grand parents decided that he need to get exercize because hes been getting overweight latley Who is "hes"? Is hes Victor's brother? I don't think I have to point out that I'm just sassing the author's poor grasp on spelling. so they finnaly got to take him out of the house. Finnaly? Is that where this is taking place, Finland? This is were the story really beggins. The story "beggins" to be put out of its misery as to not humiliate itself by merely existing. Along the way to cici's pizza victor was playing his psp vita on his 3d hd plasma tv in the back of the van. Yeah, let's put our grandson on a diet but also give him pizza and video games! Great idea, grand parents! He said Grandmom, get out the whellchair ramp and get me a glazed donut. hen while she was getting out the ramp she said no victor there be a buffet you dont need to spoil your appetite. Then victor cried because of he couynt have a donut. Even if this wasn't a cluster of poorly spelled words, lack of punctuation, and missing quotation marks this scene would have still been hilarious. As soon as they got in the cici pizza victor let his grandparents pay. He went towards the pizza ate 14 full large pizza's. But it doesnt end there he was 25% full. He went to the desert elie and ate 40 donuts within 5 seconds. Then he had a surger rush and became mentally insane. I'm not going to point out the obvious that it is impossible for him to eat that much without dying of a massive heart attack. Also Surger rush? Is that like a sugar rush? Most likely if he had that much sugar he would go into a diabetic coma. The workers refused to make any more pizza and victor got so raged that he compelty went sycopath. So the workers, like Victor's parents, did nothing to stop him except refuse to make more which could pontentially put their jobs on the line? Ok. Then he attacked his grandmother and ripped her face off and ate it and pulled out her heart and he ate that as well, then he started to consume the blood. Blood was dripping off his ulgy face. The n the manager started to call 911. Then aafter than befor he could even talk to the guy victor put the guys face in a oven shut the oven door and his head got hotter and hotter and then it started to boil. Then victor sliced his face and his face was just served as pizza. Then victor seened a girl in fright then he jumped on top of her then started to bury her in his fat. Making the girl drown. Then victor keeped on killingone after a nother. Then the police finnaly came. Then they tried to shoot victor but one thing they did not k ow is that victor had so much fat it was ike a blulet proof vest. Then victor ate all of the cops. Then everyone was dead. Victorhad a heart attack and died. I'm sure all that the author was thinking while writing this was "LOL, fatty!" Also, pointless, unrealistic violence. How was no one able to stop him, and how did it take that long for him to get a heart attack? 'LEGEND: It says if you ever go into a CiCi's pizza and if the buffet ever runs out they say victors ghost will come out from the dead to seek revenge on the people and the crew who didnt serve him anymore pizza! There has been reported deaths at CiCi's pizza's all around the world. Who knows the one who might be writing this might be HIm! "Who knows the one who might be writing this might be HIm" LOL, you just called yourself an obese ghost, author! Ok. Now for the last one for now, Nick There once was a boy named Nick he loved Jeff the killer stories but one day his mother yelled at him for scaring his sister and that he's done reading scary stories nick said "no I like these stories you can stop me". I wonder if this is based on something that actually happened to the author. Also "you can stop me", well she sure can. And she is. His mother smacked him"you need to stop your 14 years old you don't need to be reading scary books and talking back" Scary books? I could give the author the benefit of the doubt and say that this was an intentional mix up in a similar way our mothers used to think that every video game console was called Nintendo, but I doubt the author knew what he was writing. nick put his head down and walked to his room that night when nick was sleeping he had a dream a dream so exciting he woke up. Aww, his first wet dream. And it was about Jeff! Come on, we were all thinking it! Nick got out of bed and walked to the kitchen now with a crooked smile he walked in to his mothers room and slit her throat and said " YOU WONT STOP ME!" After his mother died he walked to his sisters room and jabbed her right in the neck " ITS FINE NOW YOU WONT BE SCARED EVER AGAIN". Of course. It was sooooo edgy when Jeff killed his family, so that means it will be sooooo edgy when I do it. And isn't that a little extreme, killing your own mother just because she wouldn't let you read Jeff the Killer? Think about it, he commited actual murder on his own mother over the fail that is Jeff the Killer. Nick heard sirens and fled. How did the police know he commited murder? I'm imagining that he killed his family, then heard police sirens responding to something unrelated. Thinking that they came to arrest him, he fled. The friendly officer who was on his way to a 7-11 robbery asked him where he was going. He did a lame pose and said, in a lame voice he thought was big and scary, "I am Nick the Killer! Go to sleep" which ends with him confessing to the murder of his family, which in turn results in him being arrested. Hope you all enjoyed this shit fest! See you all friday when I tear Charlie the Killer apart. Category:Blog posts